My grill is jacked...again

I lived through five years of orthodontic work. To put it nicely, my grill was jacked. I had an extreme overbite, I had to have four teeth pulled because of overcrowding, my two front teeth sat like a "v" and were so big they had to be filed down. Yes, they had to be filed down! So not cute.

So after my parents shelled out all their hard earned cash to fix my teeth you'd think I'd have the perfect smile because, really I should. But back in the day when I got my braces taken off the retainer that I was supposed to wear to keep my teeth in their new perfect resting place, was made of wire, and uncomfortable and just not cool. So being the stubborn-know-it-all-13-year-old that I was, that thing laid around and collected dust.

And you know what happened? Exactly what my orthodontist, my parents and everyone who knows anything told me would happen—my bottom teeth, not so pretty and straight anymore. And it freaking sucks! After all those years of pain, cracked lips, cut cheeks…my grill is jacked again.

When I got my first real job after college Invisalign was the new thing and I was all about getting it. I made an appointment at the orthodontist and was told that I’m a great candidate. That was until they told me the price. Other options given to me where the standard wire braces but I really wanted Invisalign since I didn't want to endure the wires, look and pain of traditional braces like I had in the past. I was just starting out and just couldn’t afford it so I settled for a new and improved retainer to keep my teeth from moving any more than they already had. I figured in a few years once I was more established in my career I would get Invisalign.

But bills and added expenses piled up life went on, and it hasn’t happened.

Your grill smile is the first thing people notice when meeting you. I would love to have the opportunity to finish what I started 23 years ago.

**this post is an entry to the Invisalign Teen “Tell Us What a New Smile Means to You” Contest!

The Joys of Online Dating

I’ve found that online dating loses its appeal after about a month. That’s when the bombardment of emails from interested strangers goes from flattering to overwhelming and annoying. I’m currently in week six.

Top 5 reasons why online dating is currently sucking

1) It’s freaking time consuming. It’s seriously like a part-time job. I spend all day on a computer at work. Then I come home and spend at least an hour emailing, answering questions and pretending to pouring my deepest hopes and dreams to…strangers. I recently read an article about a company who does all this work for you. They do all the flirty, online banter and all you have to do is go on the dates. I would hire them if I had the cash to blow.

2) It’s overwhelming. I’m communicating with way too many men. I know it’s my fault, I could not respond to more of them, but they all seem to contact me at the same time and now I’m communicating with eight guys who I’ll probably never even meet. I just haven’t figured out how to weed out all the losers from the beginning. I really hate juggling and kinda suck at it...because it's overwhelming.

3) A lot of the dudes are losers. They don’t understand how to ask a woman out, or even get to know someone for that matter. Sending an email that says, “You should call me,” will not get you anywhere with me, because I will not be calling you…ever. Some girls my like that. I do not.

4) A lot of the dudes are losers. And rude. If I give you my phone number, please don’t call me at 10:45 p.m. on a Tuesday to chat for the first time. I’m sleeping. And then don’t leave a message. Then wait a week call again at the same time, this time leave a message but tell me it’s only OK for me to call you back if I’m up right now. If not, you’ll be contacting me later on in the week. Makes me think you’re hiding something, like a wife.

5) A lot of the dudes are losers. They are mostly ugly unattractive. And I’m not looking for perfection. Looks can grow on me if you have a good personality but, they can’t even bring that to the table.

Accent Cellulite Treatment Update

After a lot of back and forth at my first session (thank you Dawn and Lisa for helping me through my crazy!) I decided to have the fronts of my thighs treated. (So from the top of the knee to the mid-thigh area.) This isn't really the part of my thigh with the "deepest" cellulite, which for me is on my hip area, but it's the area that I felt would be most practical for my life.

I mean, my goal is to wear shorts and shorter skirts and dresses. I'm never in a bathing suit and if I'm naked in front of you, you don't care about my cellulite anyway. At least you better not.

I'm doing very well with the treatments. They aren't painful at all. Only a little hot at times but never, ever uncomfortable. I'd describe them as a warm massaging feeling.

I've had three sessions and haven't seen any dramatic changes, I'm not rockin' the shorts yet, but I have noticed some slight improvements. Word! I was told from the beginning that it usually takes four treatments to start seeing improvements, so this is pretty much what I expected. I think I will take photos after my next appointment too since it will be the halfway point. Plus it'll make it easier to see what's really going on.

I had the golden ticket

A couple of weeks ago I won the cellulite reshaping package from BE Lifestyle MedSpa during the Momz Share* Silver Spring Soiree raffle.

I was so happy I totally lost my shit.

At first, I couldn’t believe I won.

I just stood there staring at the ticket. I think I may have even asked for a repeat of the numbers. The BFF probably repeated about three times, “Dude, you won,” before I could except that I, the girl who never wins anything, the one with the worst luck in the world, had actually won something that she really, really wanted.


I have obsessed about the cellulite on my thighs for years. I've tried all sorts of crazy antics to get rid of the crap (you can read about it here) but never in a million years did I think that I would be getting any kind of real cosmetic procedure.

Until now...

So, I went in for my consultation and last week. I was a little nervous, you know the whole taking off your clothes and pointing out your fatty areas to strangers thing, but everyone was super nice and made me feel very comfortable. Dr. Cohen was the plastic surgeon who saw me and he thinks I'm a perfect candidate for the Accent cellulite body reshaping treatments and that I should see great results! I then spoke with Marian who explained the entire procedure in detail and let me ask 101 questions.

I'm totally in.

I set up my first appointment for next week. I'm so excited to get started. I still can't believe that it's actually going to happen.

I'm also having a VISIA complexion skin analysis of my face done. It'll provide an assesment of my skin features, like wrinkles and sun damage that can't be seen with the naked eye. This way I'm sure that my skin-care treatment is tailored especially for my needs. Pretty cool.

So, maybe the next time you see me I'll be showin' some thigh.**

*No, you didn’t miss anything. Still not a momma, just a certified mom-blog-stalker, so they let me hang.
**Something I haven't done since circa 2001.

Back on the Wagon

I'm officially back on the wagon.

I'm once again a paying member of the weight watchers (WW) online program.

Why? Because when not closely monitored, I can't be trusted to make the right food choices or eat the proper portions.

How do I know this? I've gained eight pounds since kicking WW to the curb at the end of February.

"I know the rules. Why I'm I still paying for this?," I thought.

And I've learned, that I can't be trusted to follow the rules unless I'm actually documenting and counting the points that I'm consuming each day.

I cannot be trusted.

I don't want to totally lose control when I've come so far, so it's back on the wagon for me. 22 points a day! Whew!

My Cellulite Story

Even after my recent weight loss I won't wear shorts, or a bathing suit, or a short skirt or pretty anything that shows my thighs in public. And it's all because of cellulite.


It rules my life.


It's a problem. I know.


I'm working on it.


I found this really awesome blog called the Cellulite Investigation. You should check it out. And not just because I'm currently there sharing my personal Cellulite Story (code name: YoYo CoCo) but because there is just so much useful information. Now go, check it out!

Looking For Me?!

Looking for some new material?!

Guest posting over at parenting BY dummies today so come check me out!

Blog World Domination by Dumb Mom

Hello everyone, I am Dumb Mom (yes, THE Dumb Mom), and I’m here representing the bestes blog eva parenting BY dummies.

Some of you may already know me from my previous days as one of the Too Fatties.

While I am still, clearly, a card carrying member of the club (having gained weight since beginning, and subsequently quitting this blog with BFF) I am not longer and contributing member of this blog.

If you have missed me, then today is your lucky day!

I have been an active member of the blogging community since December, 2008, which means I am coming up on my 18 month blog-a-versary.

I have experienced some success with my blog (you know stuff that matters like followers, traffic, comments, Google page rank), but nothing to really write home about (not that I have to since my mother stalks my blog shamelessly).

But, I haven’t gotten to the point where I feel accomplished or truly successful as a blogger (aka the point at which the money begins to roll in).

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in Crazy Blogger Delisuionalville so I know that I’m not likely to be the next Dooce (no PPD ravings here) or the next Pioneer Woman (no sexy cowboy hubby either), but you know, I kinda would like to be a respected member of the blogging community.

And, I’m sorta sick of waiting for my content to make it happen for me.

Plus, I don’t know anybody (‘cause you know, blogging, like real life, is a lot about who you know), at least not anybody who likes me wants to let me ride their coattails to the top support my “brand”.

So I came up with a new plan.

A plan to ensure blog-world domination in as little as 6 weeks.

A genius plan really.

To eliminate to competition and make people like me catapult me to the top.

Buying blogs!

That’s right people, B-U-Y-I-N-G them.

I figured that one of the main obstacles standing in the way of my become-a-popular-blogger-so-people-will-pay-me plan is that the market is becoming a bit saturated.

It’s getting too hard to have a blog.

Now you have to worry about annoyingly time consuming junk like personal branding, SEO, building a blog community, and other stuff I’ll let you know about when I figure out what it is.

And. You need a niche.

A niche that is supported by good content.

I don’t have a niche (unless you call being a suckit mom who is strangely funny a niche), or time to think about my brand, or brains to master SEO.

So, I’m taking the easy way out…MONEY.

It may not be able to buy you love (which I’m not sure I agree with) but it can buy you blogs, because everyone needs it and most of us like it (which is more than I can say for my blog).

So the other night when I sat down to do my figuring, I figured that what I need to do is get some cash, find some in-the-market-for-some-cash bloggers, and give it to them to to go away let me be the creative director on their sites.

Basically they post about me and me related material and all is well.

And, guess what?!

It worked!

I’ve turned 12 of them so far!

So instead of reading about Mama B’s peanut butter life, or Angie’s Seven Clowns, or Jen’s Hipness, or KMama’s Daily Dribbles, or Marf Mom’s Marfan, or When SHE became her mom, or Being a former Fatty, or how HER Life Gone Awry, or Amy’s B Hole, or Supah’s Adventures, or Faemom’s Faeness?, or even Sunday’s Extreme Parenthood, you get to read about moi.

Before they sign off for good for the duration of their written-in-blood contracts they have each written one last post for you here: parenting BY dummies.

I urge you to give them a chance to explain why they’ve sold you out to The Man (The Man being ME) succumbed to the Dumb.

Come on over and say adios to your beloved bloggers. MWAHAHAHA!!!

P.S. I am currently not on the hunt for other blogs to dominate as I have run into a bit of an issue with my blog-world-domination budget plan. #therecessionisruiningeverything

Just shy of the big 2-0

I haven't posted in a few weeks but I've been fighting to lose the snowpocalypes pounds I put on, ugh, but I did it.

And I'm happy to report that I've it lost 3 more pounds bringing my total weight loss down to 19 pounds!!!

Hells yeah! Kinda hard to believe.

I'm wearing jeans I haven't been able to fit into in almost two years.

WW says that I should lose 8 more pounds to the be in the healthy weight range for my height. My goals are more dress/pants size driven but since I'm on a roll here, I'm sure I can hit that number.

I'll have to post some pictures for you.

******

The dating life has been.....nonexistent. I think I'm going to have to jump online again and try a different site this time. If nothing else, I'll get a few free drinks have stories to share with you.

whoo hoo?

I lost 2 lbs!!! It's amazing! I told you the scale hasn't budged in weeks.

But this is where it gets scary. I'm snowed in.

Not sure why Mother Nature's got her panties in a wad but she's gone crazy.

This is like the second blizzard in two months. So not typical for the DC metro area. We probably had a total of 7 inches of snow last year. There's probably about 21 inches outside right now and it's supposed to snow all day today.

This is not helping my cause. I'm trying to control the eating but it's really hard when you're stuck in the house alone all weekend. Plus, I stocked up on wine. I mean what else is there to do. Seriously, when the power flickered last night, my first reaction was to get up and open a bottle. (I already had the real emergency supplies ready. I'm not that crazy. Ha!)

So, on the agenda for today and tomorrow:

• call and send texts to friends and family in Florida trying to make them feel sorry for me
• hope the power stays on
• clear out the DVR
• PPV a movie
• hope the power stays on
• drink some wine
• watch the Super Bowl
  
• clean=boo
• dig my car out=BOO
  
• drink some wine
• hope the power stays on

I'm still alive

So I've been MIA for awhile. Two months to be exact, aahhhh, I know.

I've been in a funk though and didn't want crank out one depressing post after another.

Anyway, even though I've been gone for so long it won't take me long to catch you up on what I've been up to:

Not dating and kicking ass at losing weight.

Yep, I've lost 14 pounds! And it feels really good. I'd like to lose at least 10 more.

Unfortunately, I think I need to step up my game because I haven't lost a single pound in the last three weeks...